Who blow their life up in smoke.. :-)
Saturday, April 19, 2008
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
O' Buddy ... Where arth thou ??
It's just one of those days...A day when I feel like the entire world is caving in on me. Why ? Frankly I don't know.. I just feel this way sometimes. Its depressing ...really ..depressing . Its at times like these that i really miss having a "FRIEND". Now dont get me wrong.. I have oodles of friends ...(380+ on facebook and orkut when i last checked) ..But then ..there are friends ..and there are "friends"...!!
Let me go back a few years... When I was a kid ..I used to go to this fancy I.C.S.E school ..while all my friends from the village went to the local schools. This created a huge disconnect amongst us , and even though friends with all of them ...I never really got the opportunity to open up to them as much as i would have loved to. I was always viewed as elitist or that rich kid who goes to a fancy school !!
Then came college . I was full of my own problems in college. I was this grossly overweight kid who was viewed as a nerd by most people. Blending in with the "Oh-so-cool" crowd was never gonna happen ...and even though I made some good friends in college ..most of them were uber-geeks and were just friends because of the fact that we could exchange study notes etc.
Then I went to Grad school to study Computer Engineering. Grad school was fun , and as I was away from home I started to enjoy my new found freedom. But then ..I fell in love ...and fell hard. So out of the four years in college ..I was in a relationship with this girl for 3 years ...and that pretty much took up most of my time. I started ignoring people ..and spending most of my time with her...and this caused my friend list to take a serious beating.
Then we broke up...
And i realised ..that I was alone once more. But I was already out of college and working , and had little time to myself ..let alone for others. Which brings me to the point of this rant... I dont have any true friends , whom i think i can trust. All those who had the potential to be true friends over the years , have either faded away ..or are not in touch anymore. It's like asif i was in a coma all these years...and now i've suddenly woken up!! But the room is empty...There's nobody to help me out... Nobody to tell me that they're there for me..Nobody to help me walk again. I feel so alone and depressed...and worse than a prisoner in solitary confinement.
I'm the type of person who needs someone to talk to. I need someone to tell me that its all right , I need the love ..the attention ..the words of solace when i'm feeling down and low. I need someone to tell me that they have faith in me ...Someone who'll trust me unconditionally. I need a friend who I know will never ever spill out my deepest darkest secrets .. I need a friend who'll take a bullet for me . And if you think I'm being selfish here...you are wrong !! I'd do the same for my best friend too. I'd do every single thing and much more..!! I'd gladly give up all ny friends just for one person who truly understands the sea of randomness that is me. If only I had a true friend... If only.... :(
Let me go back a few years... When I was a kid ..I used to go to this fancy I.C.S.E school ..while all my friends from the village went to the local schools. This created a huge disconnect amongst us , and even though friends with all of them ...I never really got the opportunity to open up to them as much as i would have loved to. I was always viewed as elitist or that rich kid who goes to a fancy school !!
Then came college . I was full of my own problems in college. I was this grossly overweight kid who was viewed as a nerd by most people. Blending in with the "Oh-so-cool" crowd was never gonna happen ...and even though I made some good friends in college ..most of them were uber-geeks and were just friends because of the fact that we could exchange study notes etc.
Then I went to Grad school to study Computer Engineering. Grad school was fun , and as I was away from home I started to enjoy my new found freedom. But then ..I fell in love ...and fell hard. So out of the four years in college ..I was in a relationship with this girl for 3 years ...and that pretty much took up most of my time. I started ignoring people ..and spending most of my time with her...and this caused my friend list to take a serious beating.
Then we broke up...
And i realised ..that I was alone once more. But I was already out of college and working , and had little time to myself ..let alone for others. Which brings me to the point of this rant... I dont have any true friends , whom i think i can trust. All those who had the potential to be true friends over the years , have either faded away ..or are not in touch anymore. It's like asif i was in a coma all these years...and now i've suddenly woken up!! But the room is empty...There's nobody to help me out... Nobody to tell me that they're there for me..Nobody to help me walk again. I feel so alone and depressed...and worse than a prisoner in solitary confinement.
I'm the type of person who needs someone to talk to. I need someone to tell me that its all right , I need the love ..the attention ..the words of solace when i'm feeling down and low. I need someone to tell me that they have faith in me ...Someone who'll trust me unconditionally. I need a friend who I know will never ever spill out my deepest darkest secrets .. I need a friend who'll take a bullet for me . And if you think I'm being selfish here...you are wrong !! I'd do the same for my best friend too. I'd do every single thing and much more..!! I'd gladly give up all ny friends just for one person who truly understands the sea of randomness that is me. If only I had a true friend... If only.... :(
Saturday, April 12, 2008
The ghost in me..
Sometimes.. i look into the mirror.. and all i see is the ghost in me.what have i become..? What have i turned my life into? Ever since i remember..all i wanted to do was stuff related to adventure and exploration.climbing mountains..exploring the paths less taken...going where no man has gone before (okay..i borrowed that last line from star trek), but today..even though i'm sitting here with this comfy desk job at a software company..and pretty happy..i still cant help thinking...Is this what i really want?do i just wanna go through my life being a slave of the system..? Believe me..its not the money..or the sense of self satisfaction..its just the yearning to unbelong.For instance..i've always wanted to escape..just take a ticket out of here and backpack across europe.. Or visit the temples of angkor vat..be mesmerized by the grandeur of the macchu picchu ruins..I wanna live with the monks in tibet.. Pitch a tent in the middle of the amazon rain forests..climb a mountain just so that i can scream out from the top of my lungs..even though i know no one's listening.I wanna do all this and much more..and yet..when it comes to making a decision..i get cold feet.I start thinking about the present..and how such plans could affect my future.Its what i've become..conditioned to this life..safe inside my security blanket. And happily chained to my office desk.I wish i could break free..i really wish i could..but the saneness (or is it?) in me prevails.these dreams take a backseat..with the hope that one day..i'll be determined enough to follow my instincts and do what i always wanted to do.And i just hope that day isn't too far away..
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